The Francis Files

As everyone knows, the greatest science fiction show ever was The X Files. Sci-fi geeks the world over were treated with as good as it gets television drama every Sunday evening for much of the 1990s. Agents Scully (a practicing Catholic in the show) and Mulder chased paranormal activity and alien abductions throughout the prosperous and immoral Clinton America in which many of us grew up. Perhaps the best thing about the X-Files was that it was only partially true: many of the episodes were based upon folk legends and only somewhat true real life conspiracies. Watching “Paper Clip” one of the highlights of the series, we knew that, yes, the United States government had smuggled in German scientists after World War II, but, no, they did not come to American to engineer alien-human hybrids. It was this ability to distance oneself from the spookiness that made that X-Files more of a Sunday cathartic relief than an actual lesson in government espionage. However, times have changed. With the advent of the internet and alternative gonzo journalism, we have learned that a lot of stuff in the X-Files actually was true. There are secret government camps. Members of the American political elite do worship giant thirty foot owls in the California woods. The Catholic Church has been infiltrated by some sort of homosexual modernist cult, and, yes, they finally have elected a pope—maybe.


Like Fox Mulder, many Catholics “want to believe” that Pope Francis does not really do the things he does. The reception of a crucifix sculpted from a hammer and sickle by a pope sounds like something from either a sedevacantist radio show or a militant Protestant website (probably the same website that suggests that George Washington was a Jesuit agent). Like watching the classic X-files “Fluke Man” episode one, should say to him or herself, “no, that’s not really true; the pope did not really receive a communist crucifix from Evo Morales just like there is not a giant fluke man living in the New York sewer system.” But, unfortunately, Pope Francis is very, very sympathetic to Marxism, and there are lots of weird things in the New York sewer system. Hopefully, the debacle of the synod as well as various cartoonish collaborative efforts with eugenicist neo-pagans was just Pope Francis trying to be extra merciful and nice, and the Holy Father is not a front man for a cabal of goat’s head worshipping globalist lunatics who like to watch animal light shows projected on St. Peter’s Basilica when they are not worshipping owls or decapitated livestock. The problem is that with Pope Francis’ continued stream of outrageous, scandalous pronouncements and acts, one does not have to be on the Dimond Brothers email list to suspect that Pope Francis maybe working with nefarious forces to bring down what is left of Christendom. Like the internet photos of the surface of Mars that seem to depict humanoid forms ambling about NASA surveillance equipment, most people want to believe that the picture of Pope Francis embracing a gay couple in Washington DC is really a forgery or some sort of light trick. 

As recent comments from everyone’s favorite dissident German theologians (why is it that every evil idea in the past four hundred years has come from Germany?), indicate, Laudato Si, Amoris Laetatia and every scandalous and extra goofy interview that His Holiness has given are just the appetizers for the main course that is coming round the mountain. Like internet illiterate 90s kids waiting through the haunting opening credits of The X-Files, we can only guess what new horror Pope Francis has planned for us. However, while we have every reason to believe the contrary, let us hope for the best: Pope Francis is just a very confused poorly catechized modern man, and deep down inside our Holy Father knows that the truth is out there.



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